Born September 3,
2015 4:22 a.m.
8lbs 13.5oz (or around there) 21inches
long
Part 1...
times are
approximate, I have no idea if they're exactly right, but those are
the times I remember seeing on the clock at different points.
Isaac's story, or
Ziggy as he was known through out his gestation, really starts in
December. One December evening, right before Christmas, our almost 3 year
old brought me a picture of our family. It was her first attempt at
drawing multiple people and she proudly showed it to me and said “Is
ourw family! Dis is Amity...Dis is Daddy...Dis is you...dis is
me...dis is Wriley...”
But, there was
another person also in the picture.
“Pip, who is the
extra person, the little one, is that Nana?”
“No, itsa baby
brudder.”
haha. I took a
picture, proud of her drawing, and posted it online laughing, “I
hope she doesn't know some thing I don't know!”
I was very confident
that she couldn't know some thing I didn't know, very confident.
Hubby Joy and I
found the whole thing hilarious and giggled over it for days. He even
kept putting his hand on my tummy that week and talking to it to be
silly. I'm not sure why we found it so
funny. It could have been a feeling of uneasiness...It could have
been the ludicrousness of it. It was so out of the blue and random!This is our Birthday celebration (he's the 21st I'm the 23rd, we celebrate on the 22nd)...He popped his hand on my stomach as our 5 year old snapped the pictures: my reaction.
We had agreed we were done. My 3 pregnancies had been hard, my deliveries ranged from dramatic to draining. We felt complete and content and were starting to seriously discuss permanent options. We had agreed that we would wait until we were both 30 to do any thing though. We both came from larger than average families and had always heard that you'd never regret having another, we wanted to really get some space from babies and sleep deprivation to be sure. In the mean time we were being very careful in our practice with FAM, charting on every level you can. With 13 mos of lactational amenorrhea and 24 cycles of success we were feeling confident!
So
confident that the next week I didn't even register that I was
late....That I was bloated...That I was feeling off....It was the
Holidays...Looking back it really surprised me how oblivious I was,
usually if I suspect I'm pregnant I get a bit obsessive until I
know! This time it wasn't until I sat back and looked at my charts
that I realized I was very late and I remembered her drawing...And I
looked at my charts again and said “but it's not possible!”
I
took a pregnancy test. Possible
or not, “baby brudder' or not, I was having a baby!
Part 2...
The
pregnancy was surprising.
For the most part I felt so positive and good! I mean I had several
weeks of “morning” sickness, that was rough. But it was like we
knew what to do this time. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I
stocked the kitchen with foods for the family, made a meal plan for
every one to follow, full of foods that wouldn't smell, and Hubby Joy
could easily prepare.
I was really nervous because I was doing full time childcare for an
extra 3 year old 45 hours a week. I not only had my kids counting on
me, I had another family counting on me as well and paying me for a
service- I couldn't let things fall apart.
And they didn't, the winter flew by, and before I knew it, it was
March and spring was on it's way and I was feeling better.
In
early April we met with an OBGYN over an hour away that works heavily
with the Amish/Plain community and is highly supportive of
home birth. She had agreed to act as a consult/back up care and to
provide tests and services should I need them through out the
pregnancy. This OBGYN was awesome. I felt so comfortable with her and
it put my mind at ease to know if we needed to be in a hospital or
complications came up late in pregnancy, we would have some one who
respected our choices and could step in to help.
At
14weeks after a visit with her she sent us over for an u/s and we got
to see our sweet Ziggy all together. The kids loved it and the nurse
was awesome answering all their
questions. There was grand debate over what would be the preferred
gender of the new sibling, 2 big sisters wanted a baby brother,
another wanted a baby sister. We decided to peep between the legs and
we were told that it really looked like a baby brother in there.
At
21 weeks we had another ultrasound
and at that point it was undeniably a baby brother.
The pregnancy flew by, until the last month. Then it crawled. I was
feeling stretched to the max, my belly always as hard as a rock and
my ribs and mid back aching from the stress of this big long baby
pressing up against them all the time.
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| He dropped! |
On top of that I was having a lot of contractions, and they made my
belly so hard and suffocating I would get light headed. It made
simple tasks extremely uncomfortable and wore me out quickly. The
kids were amazing, they played so well together and let me rest,
every one pitching in, finding their way to help get ready for the
new family member...Supporting Mommy was a way of loving on the baby
and we both felt it strongly. It was a really special time.
At 37 weeks I was feeling done. 38 weeks I was sure my ribs were going to break.
39 weeks I started to have worrisome dreams about the baby. He was
inside of me crying and needing me to hold him but I couldn't reach
him. The contractions were becoming increasingly intense, daily hard
bouts of labor that would leave me wrung out but no closer to holding
my baby.
I
had this happen with my last baby, prodromal labor is the pits, but
for some people it's quite normal...just a slow sputtery labor and
baby comes out eventually. It's a mental game, a constant practice of
release and surrender.
With Pip I was fully invested and willing, I felt she was small and
needed the time...It was very very hard and stressful, but it was
very important and I let it go, knowing and believing it was what
she...what we needed.
This time I wasn't feeling that way. I was feeling anxious about the
baby. Worried about him in ways that had never occurred to me in previous pregnancies. So
much so that Sunday evening when I was 39weeks and a few days, we
drove down to the back up hospital to have him checked out. I was
scared the constant contractions were stressing him out and I wanted
to be SURE he was okay. He checked out great and I felt relieved,
though I still couldn't shake the feeling. Why was I worried about
him?
That Tuesday my MW came for my weekly prenatal appointment, she
checked us out and we were both doing great. I was measuring 4 weeks
ahead! But we were doing great. She was concerned about my concern
though, she said that if I was feeling strongly enough to lose a
night of sleep and to drive over an hour to have my baby checked on,
we needed to take that seriously.
I
didn't feel that Ziggy was in immediate danger. I
felt he was okay for now. But I also felt strongly that he wasn't
going to remain that way if we just let things go.
We started to look at our options.
1) A “sweep” (care provider runs finger between cervix and bag of
waters to encourage dialation) to see if that would tip me over the
edge (I was 4cm and starting to efface)
2) Herbs...We opted against because of my history of cesarean/VBAC
status.
3)
Pumping and walking- I'd tried with no success. I wasn't having
trouble getting contractions going, they rarely stopped! If I was on
my feet they came every 1-2 minutes. Laying
down 5-10. My belly felt
like concrete and my body was exhausted.
4) rupturing my waters- this the most invasive.
We talked it over and decided to try 2 sweeps that afternoon/evening
and see what the night brought us. It might tip me over the edge into
productive labor and then we'd just go ahead and have that baby! If
not, the next morning I would head to the back up hospital and have
Ziggy checked out one more time, make sure he was still doing well
and discuss my options from there.
Part 3...
That
night I had lots of contractions, I was crampy and having some show,
but no baby. So Wednesday morning September 2nd
I woke up at 4:30 and laid there resting and praying about what to
do. Around 8:30 we headed down to the "back up" hospital. They checked out
Ziggy, the monitoring showed what I'd been experiencing for days,
contractions every 2 minutes, some more intense
than others...Ziggy handled them like a champ. They did another
ultrasound and checked to be sure there wasn't too much fluid (can
cause a risk to the placenta), that checked out fine. They estimated
him to be 8lbs10oz, a good healthy size for not even 40 weeks. I was
dilated 4-5cm and 50% effaced.
We
met with the CNM midwife on call and she talked on the phone with my
midwife. Ryan and
I
prayed about what to do. We did not feel comfortable pursuing such an
invasive step of artificially breaking my water at home. I wished I
could have shaken the feeling that he needed to come out sooner than
later, I tried to rationalize it...reason with it...But the bottom
line was, I felt a peace at the hospital. I could never forgive
myself if I had felt these feelings and rationalized them away and
Ziggy got hurt.
Looking back over how the birth played out I am *so* glad I was at the hospital. If we had pursued a home birth it would have been a chaotic transfer to the local hospital which is not very home birth friendly.
We talked with the midwife at the hospital, we talked with our MW, we
spent time praying together...And we were surprised that we felt like
we should stay. We had packed a bag and brought the carseat in case,
and they got us checked in and into our room.
Part 4...
They
hooked me up to the portable fetal monitor and she
broke my water. And then we
started walking circles around our room...1 hour of walking and
hugging and laughing and talking...2 hours...3 hours...
Our home
birth MW arrived to be with us. At this point contractions were every
2 minutes and intense enough where I was crying through the tail end
of them in kind of a hormonal flood way.
Ryan
wandered behind me holding the monitor cords, rubbing my back,
holding my hips, whispering to me. We cracked jokes between
contractions, when I got a break, and walked . I love laboring with
him.
The
contractions hurt but they
weren't beyond handling. After another hour I was starting to feel
sick and pacey and pressure during contractions. J our home birth MW asked
if I wanted to be checked, I did.
I
was 6-7cm and 60% effaced. Okay some progress but a
little discouraging, I
was very tired after days of contractions and not enough sleep.
Started to feel stuck around 7?
I
walked and swayed for another hour ...two hours... I felt so stuck,
in a “I'm so tired and
this feels like when you have the flu and just want to feel better”
kind of way. I wanted to
stop, I threw up a little which helped the nauseous feeling a bit. I wanted to go home. I couldn't
do it any more. I was panicking. By this point it was 8p.m.
and I was getting angry and stamping through the ends of
contractions. J came over and
rubbed my back and helped me calm down, Ryan
held me while I cried
hard for several minutes and then I
entered labor land.
I
kept wanting to tell Ryan that if baby didn't come out by 10 I wanted
an epidural. I thought it
and watched the clock between waves. I couldn't
do it any more. This was actually a really special part of labor, I
entered the zone and began to sway and worship silently during
contractions. Jesus held me again swaying and said
“stay here. Stay here. It's okay. Don't think about it. Stay here.”
I swayed and stayed there through long hard contractions for 2 hours.
My feet were hurting and I was feeling lightheaded and tired. I asked
to get in the giant bath in my birthing room (I loved that hospital!)
I laid in the hot water and felt my contractions spacing out, but
wasn't worried the sweet relief was worth it. After an hour in the
bath the water wasn't helping any more the pain was getting more
intense and my legs were shaking during contractions. I got out of
the tub and tried to climb in bed with the warm blankets. I couldn't
handle the contractions in bed.
I
told them I wanted an epidural. It was 10:30 and I wanted the
epidural NOW. J and Ryan said maybe we should have me checked once
more. CNM came in and checked me and I was still 6-7cm but effaced to
90%. They encouraged me that that was good progress and maybe we
could try some spinning babies stuff for the next hour to see if that
would give him to nudge over the edge to come out.
The contractions
were so strong, they were so strong and I knew I couldn't
do it anymore. Not only
that, I didn't want to do it anymore.
I needed a break. I
was exhausted and light headed and tired beyond any thing. I didn't
care I needed relief. But I didn't want to put medications in my body
unless absolutely necessary, so
I paced the room and did pelvic tucks during contractions.
Looking back, I really do think this part was necessary. I needed to get to the freight train place in order to get him deep in my pelvis. It was not fun. I was tired. But I do believe I needed to get here before I could say yes to the epidural. I wish I hadn't had to stay here as long as I did. But I am so thankful I didn't get here at home, not progress...not progress...and have to transfer to the hospital in the midst of it.
I was so amazed at the strength of my body, no augmentation and these contractions were fantastically strong. So strong I started to roar through contractions. I totally lost it by the end of that hour I was starting to panic. They hurt so bad and it wasn't the productive hurt, there was some thing off in the way he was presenting and I was struggling to get in the zone. I couldn't find labor land, I was just being crushed. I try to be labor-positive, but if you've ever birthed a malpresenting baby: it's hard to be positive about the sensation that happen.
I had reached the end of my rope. They kept telling me I was almost there, but why wasn't any thing happening? This is common in asynclintic presentations Mom gets to a certain point and stays there for a long time. It happened with my first- and they sectioned me because they were in a hurry. It happened with my second, though my contractions weren't this intense hours on end. There was no end in sight, I needed a break. I'd been working so hard for days and it had been nearly 12 hours since the broken waters. I just needed a break. At 11:30 I insisted and begged for the epidural. The nurse came in and started me on a saline drip, oh if I had only known I had to have a bag of fluids before I could start the process for the epidural!!
Looking back, I really do think this part was necessary. I needed to get to the freight train place in order to get him deep in my pelvis. It was not fun. I was tired. But I do believe I needed to get here before I could say yes to the epidural. I wish I hadn't had to stay here as long as I did. But I am so thankful I didn't get here at home, not progress...not progress...and have to transfer to the hospital in the midst of it.
I was so amazed at the strength of my body, no augmentation and these contractions were fantastically strong. So strong I started to roar through contractions. I totally lost it by the end of that hour I was starting to panic. They hurt so bad and it wasn't the productive hurt, there was some thing off in the way he was presenting and I was struggling to get in the zone. I couldn't find labor land, I was just being crushed. I try to be labor-positive, but if you've ever birthed a malpresenting baby: it's hard to be positive about the sensation that happen.
I had reached the end of my rope. They kept telling me I was almost there, but why wasn't any thing happening? This is common in asynclintic presentations Mom gets to a certain point and stays there for a long time. It happened with my first- and they sectioned me because they were in a hurry. It happened with my second, though my contractions weren't this intense hours on end. There was no end in sight, I needed a break. I'd been working so hard for days and it had been nearly 12 hours since the broken waters. I just needed a break. At 11:30 I insisted and begged for the epidural. The nurse came in and started me on a saline drip, oh if I had only known I had to have a bag of fluids before I could start the process for the epidural!!
 |
| Trying to rest between contractions but there were no breaks. |
An
hour I watched and waited that drip to do it's thing. Roaring
through constant contractions trying to stay in the zone but losing
my footing rapidly. I think
the staff was all hoping that if they gave me enough time baby would
just slip out before I had to have the epidural. By looking at me I
had to be very close...Roaring and shaking and barely making it
through, breaks were less than a minute between and I was totally
falling apart. Finally the drip was done and they started to prep for
anesthesia. I never thought I'd be the Mom begging for an epidural,
I'd done this before, I knew it ended. I'd even felt similar
sensations with my second baby, but only for an hour...Not for hours
on end. But this time I felt sure it never would end. I had reached the point where I didn't care how
baby came out, what it would mean, I just had to have relief
NOW. I was being torn apart or crushed and some thing had to be done NOW.
I
felt deep pressure and they rushed in to check me: no progress. I
begged for anesthesia to hurry with every contraction. J and
Ryan rubbed my back and kept
me from flying to pieces. “Are
they on their way? You're not just saying that?” I'd beg between peaks (because there were no breaks).
I'd try to talk my self down, to remember it couldn't be stronger
than me, that it was me. But it didn't feel like me, it felt like some thing was wrong. .Like this was going to break me. There was a burning sensation
ripping through my lower abdomen about 2 inches above my c/s scar. This news concerned every one, it
burned worse during the peaks and scared me. They had Ziggy on the monitor and his
heart rate was perfect, which calmed me...But the burning pain, worried me. I was so glad I was at the hospital and that he was being constantly monitored.I was so glad my kids were far away at home and not witnessing this unhinged laboring me.
Finally
anesthesia arrived and had the epidural placed. I
had had an epidural before with my first baby's birth. It was one of
the most traumatic experiences of my life. I felt powerless and
afraid. This time was different. I felt supported, I had so many kind hands on me, holding me speaking words of encouragement. I felt like I was
being rescued. I continued
to shake through contractions waiting for the epidural. The burning
sensation continued and then slowly over about 15 minutes it started
to get better. I still had to pump the medicine several times during
contractions but it was so much better. I could move my legs, I could feel the deep
pressure during the contractions but no longer felt the burning and
“being torn apart” sensation. It was just after 1a.m. and I
began to doze...I'd wake every time the epidural pump would release
more medicine on its own, it would shoot a kind of flushed feeling
over my body, I thanked Jesus for relief every time.
 |
| Finally a nap! |
I dozed and felt Ziggy moving around, listening to him shift on the
monitor occasionally, his heart rate steadily dipping and recovering
with contractions, comforting me. I could still feel the burning but
not as badly and since he was doing well I decided it must be some
sort of knotty adhesion from my scar feeling the stretch and burn
from hours of hard work.
Soon after 4a.m. my CNM came back in to check on us...She checked me and
smiled “Well there we are, you're complete and baby's head is right
at my fingers!”
I couldn't believe it. The 3 hours I laid there dozing I wondered
what would happen, how did I feel about another cesarean birth? Was I
upset that I had done this? No. I just knew my baby needed to be out.
But a cesarean? Would we be okay? But mostly I just laid there and
tried to trust and breath and enjoy the feeling of freedom from the
crashing waves.
 |
| My body did it!! I get to push my baby out! |
I reach down and felt his warm soft squishy head and laughed. It always amazes me how soft and squishy those newborn heads are coming out, it's very encouraging when you're in the midst of the work of getting them out.
 |
| The light down there wasn't really that bright....the room was very cozy, I messed with the picture because I don't really want that up close of a picture on the internet. :) |
With
the next contraction I pushed again and his head came out. And then
again and Ryan helped lift him to my chest. He was out. He was here!
We had done it!!
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| He was a little angry until he saw my face. |
Part 5...
After the birth I
snuggled and looked at him, he had come out so quickly he needed a
little suctioning. He also had aasynclintic crown shape to his head
(baby cocked ear first), which explains the crazy intense crushing
sensation as he got deeper into my pelvis (if you've never
experienced an asyinclintic presentation- it is the most intense
sensation on earth).
 |
| I blurred out his penis, not because baby nudity is bad but because he's a person and he might not want that on the internet when he gets older. :D |
This is my 3rd asynclintic baby, due
to my platypelloid shaped pelvis which makes the
presentation a lot more common.
The cord took a few
minutes to stop pulsing but we were able to let it go until it had.
They gave me a bit of pitocen as I was bleeding a lot more than the
CNM would have liked. While they weighted and measured him the CNM
stitched up a small tear I had and they removed my epidural and got
me cleaned up and cozy and brought him back to the bed.
 |
| Again blurred for his privacy. Also I don't know if his weight is correct. When they first set him on there it read "7lbs 4oz" and we all went "no way" so they re-set it, but I still think he was heavier than this. His 2 day weight was 9lbs 3oz and usually baby's lose several ounces after birth... |
They weighed and
measured him quickly and cleaned up the room and left us together for
2 blissful hours, during which he nursed constantly only taking breaks to grin into
my eyes.
After an hour or so I felt up to getting cleaned up. I got a shower, ordered breakfast. Daddy Joy got his snuggles in.
He was checked out by the pediatrician. And we packed him up and headed home for him to meet his family. He slept the entire ride hour and a half drive home.
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| Going Home Out Fit...It was newborn size and I could barely squeeze him into it. I can't resist a baby in a romper. :) |
 | ||
| Going home! |
And Met his sisters
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| After singing to him. <3 |
Reflections...
There are so many
feelings and thoughts and lessons from this birth. I think the
biggest one being that if there was grace to trust my instincts when
I was in a birth situation that “didn't look good” on paper, but
I felt strongly was okay. Than I needed to have grace to trust my
instincts when every thing on paper looked good, but I felt some
interventions were necessary.
This birth was also
empowering in ways I wasn't expecting. I've always had sputtery
labors that stalled easily and needed a lot of encouragement and work
to “keep them going”. This time my body just took over and never
looked back. I am in awe of the power of my body to both produce the
contractions and endure them. My body did that. It did it with out
drugs or help from any one, with out work or effort or ideal
surroundings. It did it.
My body gave birth
with an IV in my arm, and epidural in my back, and monitors on my
belly. And for this birth situation, those things felt right.
Looking back I still
just feel so good about that epidural. It gave me a chance to rest,
to get out of that shell shocked flight or fight state that I had
gotten into. I have birthed with that feeling and it makes it hard to
even be glad to meet the baby, you're just so glad you aren't being
ripped apart anymore it's hard to even care about any thing else. I didn't want that.
I had the space and
the relief to greet him with joy, exactly how I wanted to.
There was also the
aspect of my first birth. It happened very similarly. Ruptured
waters, labor stalled at 7 cm... I felt pushed into an epidural to
“speed things along” and it was traumatic.
I remember walking
into the birthing suite when I was laboring with dd1 thinking “in a
few hours my baby will be laid on my chest and then getting measured
and checked there under those warming lights....”
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| 2 day weight check with home birth MW: 9lbs 3 oz! |
This time I got that
satisfaction, I pushed my baby out in a hospital room, I held his
fresh warm body and our eyes met. It doesn't fix what I missed with
my oldest, but it was redeeming in a lot of ways.
This birth was not
what I thought it would be. But it was, once again, a lesson and
exactly what I needed to enter this new season as this new persons
mother. It was empowering in unexpected ways, and full of joy and
healing.
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| Four Siblings |
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| Socks say it all "So Loved" 2 weeks old. |
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| 6 weeks old (around 15lbs) |
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| 6 months old |
9mos
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| Isaac Fain "And He Shall Laugh With Joy" I knew what I would name him the moment I found out I was really pregnant: Isaac. I immediately remembered Sarah in the Bible, the way she laughed in disbelief that she would have a child. I wasn't old. It wasn't physically impossible. But I had believed my child bearing days were coming to a close. Isaac also means "He shall laugh/ Laughter" which just fit perfectly. And Fain: "Joy/Gladness" because Joy is a theme in our family.... With laughter we've received this great joy. <3 |
